I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
