i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
