Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Two words: blizzard sex
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
