around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
