Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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