I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
