I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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