why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
