I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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