Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
