i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
