This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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