dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Randomize
