i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
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