Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
