I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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