I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
