I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
