rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
