There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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