i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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