I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
