I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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