It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
