My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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