We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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