i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
