I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Randomize
