Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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