I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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