I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
