I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
