Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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