now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
