Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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