when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
