and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
