i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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