My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
