i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
