Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
