What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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