Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
