I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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