your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
