What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
someone owes me an orgasm
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
