New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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