Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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