I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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