this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
