i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
