my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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